me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA