“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
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6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
This guy gets it.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI