*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
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him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Discuss
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
We’ve all been there…
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up