[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
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I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
why isn’t he texting back
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this