I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
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DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.