I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
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Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Boom, boom, ching!
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT