Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
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Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Sex so good you see dead people.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.