Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
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I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes