me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Ugh but profoundly
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
😂😂
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?