me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
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Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall