manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
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Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper