There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
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My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Jail
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Erm…
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.