1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
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i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
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My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
White Castle for the Win
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No