I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
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Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.