Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
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Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
scares
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
LA today:
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.