‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
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[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.