First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
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Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week