me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
You Might Also Like
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
When the stylist spins you back around
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.