In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
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sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying