Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
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Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out