“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
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[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
classic mixup
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
One venti cheeseburger please.