Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
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Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes