4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
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Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale