Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
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The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.