I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
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Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
put ‘er there pardner!
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*