water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
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I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”