[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
You Might Also Like
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Damn he played himself
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”