her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
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Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs