Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
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Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Wait a minute…
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.