Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
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It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Brother?
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots