GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
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Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
What?
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.