When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
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Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
What the dentist sees
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation