People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
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I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.