A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
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“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Möther may I have a snäck
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!