my first day as a raccoon
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I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
welcome back
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
*exercises sarcastically*
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
my dad when a sex scene comes on
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL