Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
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just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.