A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
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Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”