Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
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Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome