I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
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[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
absolutely not
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch