Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
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Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.