On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
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[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Always
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Ooops wrong house😂😜
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?