Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
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The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
This is a sub tweet
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.