Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
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My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
become ungovernable
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two