[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
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The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL