Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
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“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities