I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
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My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.