I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
You Might Also Like
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
We’ve all been there…
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Trumpy Cat
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
🍛
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle