My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
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Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,