Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
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Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.