You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
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NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
(2022)
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.